My brother Ben

I try very hard to keep this blog as up beat and happy as possible. I actually do that for myself so on hard days I can reread my posts and remember how blessed I am. But sometimes sad things happen that are a major part of life and need to be recognized.

My little brother Ben passed away on October 13th. The day Caroline was blessed. It was a bitter, unexpected, surprise that stung more than I could have imagined. Craig, Caroline and I were able to attend his funeral in Idaho that week which was a blessing.

Ben is my little brother. I remember giving him a bottle of apple juice as a baby, I remember his baptism, I remember mom accidentally shaving his head bald the night of the pinewood derby and everybody rubbing it for luck. He took it with a smile and raced his car enthusiastically. He was my partner in crime, he was my rival growing up, he was my friend, he was hilarious to joke with, he was fun to explore new places with, he drove me crazy, he made me laugh. He is my little brother who I will miss forever in this life.

I will always be greatful for a talk given by Elder Uchtdorf a year ago about healing relationships, particularly sibling relationship. I felt impressed to call him that week an apologize for all the horrible things I did and said to him when we were kids. I was an awful older sister.  I can remember one instance where Eric and I  created a treasure map that led him all over the yard. It ended with an X and he dug all afternoon to find his treasure. Sadly, we were horrible and had planted an old chocolate box with a dirty diaper inside. Sufficeth to say: I was HORRIBLE. When I told him I was sorry and that I loved him, he laughed and said he had deserved all the tricks we played on him anyway. To my great relief he forgave me. I do believe it was divinely inspired that I felt impressed to talk with him that day.

The whole terrible night I learned of his passing the only words that came to my mind over and over were:

"Lead, Kindly Light, amidst th'encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me."

I felt more encircled by gloom than ever before in my life. Yearning desperately to be with my family, yet on the other side of the continent, I prayed with all my heart to God. I prayed for my brother and my remaining family. I felt a glimmer of hope. It was almost too dull to notice, but there it was. My knowledge of God. My knowledge of a kind and loving Savior. I know He lives. I know he died and atoned for us, for me, for my brother. I feel more inspired than ever before to reach for Him, to love and serve my family and show the kindness He did to all I know.

I believe Ben is in a better place now. Surrounded with love and both of my Grandfathers who love and care for him. I imagine him chatting with the great characters of history sometimes and wonder what kind of questions he is asking them:)

I miss you Ben. I will see you again.